Writer: Christopher Sparks
Reviewer: Yasmine Mercurius
Were you having trouble choosing a title? Trying picking one summarizes the entire context of the essay. Whatever you decide to go with, make sure it is specific.
Thesis & Topic:
The thesis in this essay would be that the NFL is no longer enjoyable because of the lack of physical contact. This topic is very broad and does not seem to address a specific community. Maybe narrow it down to the effect of today’s NFL league on football athletes and how this problem can cause younger athletes to lose interest in the sport. These are just suggestions, but you can use them to guide you.
I also had a hard time finding a target audience. Once you come up with the community you intend to address, then an appropriate target audience can be chosen.
Your essay did not really make proper use of outside sources. I think you tried to include two in-text citations, but the format for them were incorrect. I also noticed that your essay did not have a reference list, so I cannot tell if you have any scholarly or trade sources. If you are using outside sources and not citing them correctly, that is a form of plagiarism so be sure to be very careful with that.
It seems that you are trying to focus on explaining the problem, so use outside sources to further persuade readers why it is a problem. You did a good job avoiding first person, but your syntax (sentence structure) could be a little better. Try to avoid starting a sentence with though or because.
I did not see a solution to this problem. This problem is very general so finding a solution is going to be really difficult. Once you narrow down the problem a little, you should be able to propose a possible solution.
You should state at least one solution as it is a proposal essay and it requires both components.
Luckily, the main priority of your essay is to explain the problem, so you do not really need to focus on solutions.
Your transitions were not bad, and you did a good job staying on topic. You also did a good job integrating the few quotes that you did have. I would recommend stating where they came from. Just throwing quotes in, without proof of a source, can cause readers to question the credibility.
Your introduction was effective. Readers were given enough background information on the topic and also informed about the purpose behind the essay. Your conclusion was also effective but seemed like it was a little rushed. Can I suggest not ending with a quote?
I do not suggest cutting anything but adding more. Once again, I recommend narrowing down the problem to a specific community, explicitly stating your target audience and creating a reference list. Definitely include more outside sources to make your argument stronger. Also, propose some possible solutions.